Today is the final day in 2014 and I'm at a loss. I'm not sure where I belong in my world. I'm not trying nearly as hard to make an impact on my life as I had previously. I let a lot go in my life this year and its time for 2015 to be the year that I regain. I have a lot of goals and I want to achieve all of them. It isn't going to be easy. I'm okay with that. It isn't going to unattainable. I want to be able to reach them, but with that takes time.
2015 Goals:
~Run a Marathon on Mother's Day (Already Registered)
~Weigh 170 by March 1
~Eat clean for at least 6 months
~Run 1000 miles
~Weigh my Goal Weight by June 1
~Enjoy my time with Marie
~Enjoy every minute I have with Dale until he leaves for Korea
~Look to the positive
~Believe in myself
~Believe in the process
~Don't dwell
~Keep going forward
~Remember if I don't achieve all these goals, there's always next year.
So long 2014. I was nice while it lasted. You are my past, but not my future!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
Opportunity
Life doesn't offer a ton of options, but when opportunity knocks, its best to say…TAKE IT!
I'm fighting that revolving door of losing and gaining weight. I lose and then I gain and then I go back on the path to lose. Right now I'm back on that path to lose weight. I am not allowed to feel comfort in my weight. Once I feel comfort, I gain it back.
Why comfort?
I am constantly feeling okay with myself and that comfort zone totally allows me to be liberal with my eating and that sets in motion a constant string of poor eating choices. Adding food that I never liked before and now can't have enough of. Doughnuts are my biggest down fall. Not regular sized doughnuts. Oh no, it is munchkins. Those sweet little holes covered in glaze and then dipped in sprinkles. It really is the sprinkles that gets me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME! No Joke! I can walk in get a coffee and can't leave without two. The best days are when I have four and I have the downed in about five minutes. UGH! That is so gross and yet I do that to myself. Not constantly, but a lot. I don't need it but oh I want it. While I'm on the food kick, Reese Peanut Butter Cups. Yea those have always been a weakness, but I've had two in a week. I'm not starting that train again. ICK! My favorite cheat food has to be goldfish. Who doesn't love those cheese crackers? Seriously?!?!?! Oh my! I really do have some crazy food I'm eating and that's just the half of why my weight is up and up.
Let's recap.
In August 2012 I weighed in at 228 pounds. I probably weighed more, but why would I want to go there?
In July 2013 I weighed in at 172 pounds.
By Labor Day 2013 I was back up to 180 pounds. 8 pounds gained. So I started playing the weight game. Up. Down. Around…In November I had some major stress. Stopped eating and sleeping. I was eating only once and still working out. Yea I was back to 172, but clearly not in a healthy way. Slowly through the holidays I started gaining. Didn't think much about it because I mean, I was eating again….well I weighed in at 195 on February 16th. UHHH! That hit me like freight train. What had I done?
I spent about 10 days in a depression just thinking about how far I'd let myself go. I had forgotten how to live. I'd forgotten how to eat to perform. I'd given up what made me happy. Those 10 days I found myself curled up on my bed. I had friends trying to get in and even a boyfriend who had no clue what to do for me because it's a long distance relationship. I was ready to give up. But something snapped in me. I knew I couldn't give up. I knew I had to go on. I needed to go on. My daughter needed that. If I wanted my relationship to continue I needed to kick my own ass. I needed to just get up and move on.
So I faced the facts.
1. My boyfriend doesn't live near me. He will soon enough, but life cannot stop waiting for him to be here. So let go.
2. My friends are awesome. They are there for me. They care. I let them. Having a boyfriend thousands of miles away sucks and is really hard. So is gaining weight. I wasn't coping with anything.
3. My daughter needed an example. She didn't deserve the blob that I was laying in bed unable to cry.
4. I have an amazing family who doesn't understand everything, but cares. They are there and they are helping me the best ways they know.
5. I workout with some awesome people. They are rock stars. They look up to me. I look up to them.
The final fact….I CRIED OVER SPILLED COFFEE!
Yes. I did. It wasn't a lot either, but on that day it was the dam that broke and I allowed myself to feel. I needed to cry. I needed that ugly minute to just reset. I wasn't crying over coffee either. I was crying because I missed the person I had been. I missed everything I had used to create my bright future. I didn't deserve to be a depressed mess. I'd been that. God, it was awful! I felt helpless and the truth was, I wasn't helpless. I had tools that I knew worked.
So today, I'm regrouping, like I've been doing since Thursday, when I cried over spilled coffee. I've cooked. I've ran in the snow. I'm moving on. Day by day. I'm making my happiness.
I run.
What's your happiness??
I'm fighting that revolving door of losing and gaining weight. I lose and then I gain and then I go back on the path to lose. Right now I'm back on that path to lose weight. I am not allowed to feel comfort in my weight. Once I feel comfort, I gain it back.
Why comfort?
I am constantly feeling okay with myself and that comfort zone totally allows me to be liberal with my eating and that sets in motion a constant string of poor eating choices. Adding food that I never liked before and now can't have enough of. Doughnuts are my biggest down fall. Not regular sized doughnuts. Oh no, it is munchkins. Those sweet little holes covered in glaze and then dipped in sprinkles. It really is the sprinkles that gets me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME! No Joke! I can walk in get a coffee and can't leave without two. The best days are when I have four and I have the downed in about five minutes. UGH! That is so gross and yet I do that to myself. Not constantly, but a lot. I don't need it but oh I want it. While I'm on the food kick, Reese Peanut Butter Cups. Yea those have always been a weakness, but I've had two in a week. I'm not starting that train again. ICK! My favorite cheat food has to be goldfish. Who doesn't love those cheese crackers? Seriously?!?!?! Oh my! I really do have some crazy food I'm eating and that's just the half of why my weight is up and up.
Let's recap.
In August 2012 I weighed in at 228 pounds. I probably weighed more, but why would I want to go there?
In July 2013 I weighed in at 172 pounds.
By Labor Day 2013 I was back up to 180 pounds. 8 pounds gained. So I started playing the weight game. Up. Down. Around…In November I had some major stress. Stopped eating and sleeping. I was eating only once and still working out. Yea I was back to 172, but clearly not in a healthy way. Slowly through the holidays I started gaining. Didn't think much about it because I mean, I was eating again….well I weighed in at 195 on February 16th. UHHH! That hit me like freight train. What had I done?
I spent about 10 days in a depression just thinking about how far I'd let myself go. I had forgotten how to live. I'd forgotten how to eat to perform. I'd given up what made me happy. Those 10 days I found myself curled up on my bed. I had friends trying to get in and even a boyfriend who had no clue what to do for me because it's a long distance relationship. I was ready to give up. But something snapped in me. I knew I couldn't give up. I knew I had to go on. I needed to go on. My daughter needed that. If I wanted my relationship to continue I needed to kick my own ass. I needed to just get up and move on.
So I faced the facts.
1. My boyfriend doesn't live near me. He will soon enough, but life cannot stop waiting for him to be here. So let go.
2. My friends are awesome. They are there for me. They care. I let them. Having a boyfriend thousands of miles away sucks and is really hard. So is gaining weight. I wasn't coping with anything.
3. My daughter needed an example. She didn't deserve the blob that I was laying in bed unable to cry.
4. I have an amazing family who doesn't understand everything, but cares. They are there and they are helping me the best ways they know.
5. I workout with some awesome people. They are rock stars. They look up to me. I look up to them.
The final fact….I CRIED OVER SPILLED COFFEE!
Yes. I did. It wasn't a lot either, but on that day it was the dam that broke and I allowed myself to feel. I needed to cry. I needed that ugly minute to just reset. I wasn't crying over coffee either. I was crying because I missed the person I had been. I missed everything I had used to create my bright future. I didn't deserve to be a depressed mess. I'd been that. God, it was awful! I felt helpless and the truth was, I wasn't helpless. I had tools that I knew worked.
So today, I'm regrouping, like I've been doing since Thursday, when I cried over spilled coffee. I've cooked. I've ran in the snow. I'm moving on. Day by day. I'm making my happiness.
I run.
What's your happiness??
Moving Forward
Part of this journey in losing weight is really just letting go. I have kept a lot of baggage inside and learning to let go has been the best thing I've ever done for myself.
I'm really learning that how I choose to handle my emotions makes the biggest difference in my discipline. So often I've thought of discipline as control. I've been so wrong. Control is letting someone else choose for me. If I'm choosing for me, I need to have a desire to move forward. I no longer allow another person to control me. I choose everything that goes into my mind and body. If I don't like what goes into my mind I have two choices. Filter it through one ear and other the other or internalize it. I prefer to let it go. I have no time to internalize too much of what happens in life. I deserve to know that I'm in control of what I need to keep and what I need to let go. No one can choose these things for me.
The biggest thing I have to work on is not letting the negative drag me down completely. I have the complete ability to distance myself from others and to lead my life with happiness. I deserve it. I've had way too much in my life. I need to know that I have weak moments, I do get dragged down, but I fully intend to bring myself up. I do not need others to tell me what to think and what I need to do with it.
I am by no means perfect, but I do know that I impact my mojo completely. Realizing how I eat to soothe weak moments. How I don't eat when I'm overly stressed. How I can feel guilty for eating something I shouldn't when in all honesty is a human choice.
I need to recognize all of these thoughts. Should I feel guilty about eating a piece of cheese or a spoon full of peanut butter? NEVER! Should i feel guilty about eating 10 doughnut holes, YES! But the point is it isn't the guilt that's the real problem, its why I ate it. Why am I feeling insecure?
Insecurity comes from being a single parent. Insecurity comes from wondering if you can pay your bills every month. Insecurity comes from knowing you normally get a phone call and it doesn't come. I'm human. I'm allowed to feel insecure, but I cannot let it rule my choices.
I'm allowed to be human. I'm going to be human. I'm going to have weak moments. But at the end of the day I need to let go so I can move forward.
I'm all about getting lean. I'm all about getting down 10 pounds this month. I'm all about writing instead of eating.
Here's to a bright day full of possibilities!
I'm really learning that how I choose to handle my emotions makes the biggest difference in my discipline. So often I've thought of discipline as control. I've been so wrong. Control is letting someone else choose for me. If I'm choosing for me, I need to have a desire to move forward. I no longer allow another person to control me. I choose everything that goes into my mind and body. If I don't like what goes into my mind I have two choices. Filter it through one ear and other the other or internalize it. I prefer to let it go. I have no time to internalize too much of what happens in life. I deserve to know that I'm in control of what I need to keep and what I need to let go. No one can choose these things for me.
The biggest thing I have to work on is not letting the negative drag me down completely. I have the complete ability to distance myself from others and to lead my life with happiness. I deserve it. I've had way too much in my life. I need to know that I have weak moments, I do get dragged down, but I fully intend to bring myself up. I do not need others to tell me what to think and what I need to do with it.
I am by no means perfect, but I do know that I impact my mojo completely. Realizing how I eat to soothe weak moments. How I don't eat when I'm overly stressed. How I can feel guilty for eating something I shouldn't when in all honesty is a human choice.
I need to recognize all of these thoughts. Should I feel guilty about eating a piece of cheese or a spoon full of peanut butter? NEVER! Should i feel guilty about eating 10 doughnut holes, YES! But the point is it isn't the guilt that's the real problem, its why I ate it. Why am I feeling insecure?
Insecurity comes from being a single parent. Insecurity comes from wondering if you can pay your bills every month. Insecurity comes from knowing you normally get a phone call and it doesn't come. I'm human. I'm allowed to feel insecure, but I cannot let it rule my choices.
I'm allowed to be human. I'm going to be human. I'm going to have weak moments. But at the end of the day I need to let go so I can move forward.
I'm all about getting lean. I'm all about getting down 10 pounds this month. I'm all about writing instead of eating.
Here's to a bright day full of possibilities!
Friday, September 27, 2013
Struggling
I'm stuck. I'm unmotivated and what I did for one year, is no longer possible.
So I'm stuck and coming up with a new and improved plan.
I love to run in races, but right now $25 is spent on a lift, not a run.
Thursdays have been spent at Ballet or Open House or the Eye Doctor. Things that have to come first because my job and child come first.
I miss my crazy painful workouts three times a week. I miss having a fourth thrown in for fun and three lifts.
I just miss it. With missing it comes depression. I have to switch to doing it on my own. I am a single parent with bills. I don't like looking at my bank account because I know that money has to go somewhere and it isn't always on me. I refuse to be late on any payment.
I feel life slipping through my fingers and it is times like these that I realize I don't need a lot of money to get what I need.
I do need my workouts. They confuse my body, but the races and extra third lift, I can do some of the times.
When I need to push myself, I can run on my own and do abs because I should be able to put my best foot forward.
I wish I knew how to just do things instead of procrastinate them. I'll be honest, I can procrastinate with the best of them, but with losing 30 pounds, I'm only hurting myself making it last longer. I can't say it is money or time because running only takes time and no money. My daughter deserves a healthy mom. My future deserves nothing but 100% of my dedication. Somehow, I need to believe that I don't need all that I have and that I'll be okay. I need to be okay crying. It is the only way I'll move forward. A day at a time, pain at a time.
Here's to hour long runs that hurt but leave me feeling satisfied!
So I'm stuck and coming up with a new and improved plan.
I love to run in races, but right now $25 is spent on a lift, not a run.
Thursdays have been spent at Ballet or Open House or the Eye Doctor. Things that have to come first because my job and child come first.
I miss my crazy painful workouts three times a week. I miss having a fourth thrown in for fun and three lifts.
I just miss it. With missing it comes depression. I have to switch to doing it on my own. I am a single parent with bills. I don't like looking at my bank account because I know that money has to go somewhere and it isn't always on me. I refuse to be late on any payment.
I feel life slipping through my fingers and it is times like these that I realize I don't need a lot of money to get what I need.
I do need my workouts. They confuse my body, but the races and extra third lift, I can do some of the times.
When I need to push myself, I can run on my own and do abs because I should be able to put my best foot forward.
I wish I knew how to just do things instead of procrastinate them. I'll be honest, I can procrastinate with the best of them, but with losing 30 pounds, I'm only hurting myself making it last longer. I can't say it is money or time because running only takes time and no money. My daughter deserves a healthy mom. My future deserves nothing but 100% of my dedication. Somehow, I need to believe that I don't need all that I have and that I'll be okay. I need to be okay crying. It is the only way I'll move forward. A day at a time, pain at a time.
Here's to hour long runs that hurt but leave me feeling satisfied!
Monday, September 2, 2013
The Nature of the Game
I'm a runner. Both physically and mentally. When shit gets hard I run. I'm not the most organized person. I'm not always the most passionate. When it gets hard I up and leave.
I do love water, but I'd much rather have coffee. It just tastes better. I'm all for some soda, but my body doesn't handle it.
I run.
It's easier. Why put up a fight when you can just walk away?
Who needs tears?
Food works.
But then again I have a butt. I have hips. I get a tummy. When I use food.
When I workout, it shows. I get lean. I get muscles and my butt, hips, and tummy go small.
I'm 29.
The first 28 years weren't great.
Of course having a kid at 23 was a great joy and surprise, but in the past few weeks it has really hit home. I wasn't ready. It would be so easy to run. She started Kindergarten a week ago today. I didn't get to take her that first day because I'm a teacher. I had to wait for the picture. It would be easy to leave her in my parents care so I could find another life. I stuck it out. I didn't run. I've wanted to but I haven't.
I let my health go. I almost had cancer. My doctor rocked it out and I got my first clean results in a year. I had good results for 2 years then I had two come back questionable. It felt good to finally see good. I'm hoping the next ones are just as good! Couldn't run because my doctor came after me. Sometimes others keep you on path.
I weighed 230 pounds a year ago. I did. I didn't care. I ate whatever I wanted, but I didn't look good. I looked fat. I had a stomach and 52 inch hips. My thighs were 40 inches. The same as my waist! Yea I ran from looking good. Correction, I thought I looked good. I didn't.
I've had several crappy/shitty relationships. All depressing. All control freaks. None the right fit. Running fit perfectly here.
Running cannot always be my answer to the hard things in life.
I currently weigh 180 pounds. I have weighed 172 about a month ago. It didn't keep. It is okay. I will get there. Last night I wanted to just give in. Instead of running, I biked. Call it reality, but I couldn't run. I could bike. I could cry and boy did I ever. It was probably my slowest 6 miles I've biked in a LONG time, but I let it all out. In the end I had no clue why I cried. For frustrations. For fears. For pain. For getting my trainer on my ass. It hurt to get his text message, but I've either got to get in or get out. He cares enough to tell me I deserve to be in the 140s. If I'm working so hard why am I eating so shitty?
Running 5 K's is what I do. Running from life is no longer an option. I will be a success and if I eat clean and work out, how long is this really going to take?
I plan on writing down my feelings in this journal. I'm a writer by nature. It may not always make sense but it will be here. I will also write down food I eat at times and how I'm handling stresses.
Here's to getting my running legs back and for using them for the right reasons!
Happy Runnings,
Shortie
I do love water, but I'd much rather have coffee. It just tastes better. I'm all for some soda, but my body doesn't handle it.
I run.
It's easier. Why put up a fight when you can just walk away?
Who needs tears?
Food works.
But then again I have a butt. I have hips. I get a tummy. When I use food.
When I workout, it shows. I get lean. I get muscles and my butt, hips, and tummy go small.
I'm 29.
The first 28 years weren't great.
Of course having a kid at 23 was a great joy and surprise, but in the past few weeks it has really hit home. I wasn't ready. It would be so easy to run. She started Kindergarten a week ago today. I didn't get to take her that first day because I'm a teacher. I had to wait for the picture. It would be easy to leave her in my parents care so I could find another life. I stuck it out. I didn't run. I've wanted to but I haven't.
I let my health go. I almost had cancer. My doctor rocked it out and I got my first clean results in a year. I had good results for 2 years then I had two come back questionable. It felt good to finally see good. I'm hoping the next ones are just as good! Couldn't run because my doctor came after me. Sometimes others keep you on path.
I weighed 230 pounds a year ago. I did. I didn't care. I ate whatever I wanted, but I didn't look good. I looked fat. I had a stomach and 52 inch hips. My thighs were 40 inches. The same as my waist! Yea I ran from looking good. Correction, I thought I looked good. I didn't.
I've had several crappy/shitty relationships. All depressing. All control freaks. None the right fit. Running fit perfectly here.
Running cannot always be my answer to the hard things in life.
I currently weigh 180 pounds. I have weighed 172 about a month ago. It didn't keep. It is okay. I will get there. Last night I wanted to just give in. Instead of running, I biked. Call it reality, but I couldn't run. I could bike. I could cry and boy did I ever. It was probably my slowest 6 miles I've biked in a LONG time, but I let it all out. In the end I had no clue why I cried. For frustrations. For fears. For pain. For getting my trainer on my ass. It hurt to get his text message, but I've either got to get in or get out. He cares enough to tell me I deserve to be in the 140s. If I'm working so hard why am I eating so shitty?
Running 5 K's is what I do. Running from life is no longer an option. I will be a success and if I eat clean and work out, how long is this really going to take?
I plan on writing down my feelings in this journal. I'm a writer by nature. It may not always make sense but it will be here. I will also write down food I eat at times and how I'm handling stresses.
Here's to getting my running legs back and for using them for the right reasons!
Happy Runnings,
Shortie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)