Struggling

I'm stuck.  I'm unmotivated and what I did for one year, is no longer possible.

So I'm stuck and coming up with a new and improved plan.

I love to run in races, but right now $25 is spent on a lift, not a run.

Thursdays have been spent at Ballet or Open House or the Eye Doctor.  Things that have to come first because my job and child come first.

I miss my crazy painful workouts three times a week.  I miss having a fourth thrown in for fun and three lifts.

I just miss it.  With missing it comes depression.  I have to switch to doing it on my own.  I am a single parent with bills.  I don't like looking at my bank account because I know that money has to go somewhere and it isn't always on me.  I refuse to be late on any payment.

I feel life slipping through my fingers and it is times like these that I realize I don't need a lot of money to get what I need.

I do need my workouts.  They confuse my body, but the races and extra third lift, I can do some of the times.

When I need to push myself, I can run on my own and do abs because I should be able to put my best foot forward.

I wish I knew how to just do things instead of procrastinate them.  I'll be honest, I can procrastinate with the best of them, but with losing 30 pounds, I'm only hurting myself making it last longer.  I can't say it is money or time because running only takes time and no money.  My daughter deserves a healthy mom.  My future deserves nothing but 100% of my dedication.  Somehow, I need to believe that I don't need all that I have and that I'll be okay.  I need to be okay crying.  It is the only way I'll move forward.  A day at a time, pain at a time.

Here's to hour long runs that hurt but leave me feeling satisfied!

The Nature of the Game

I'm a runner.  Both physically and mentally.  When shit gets hard I run.  I'm not the most organized person.  I'm not always the most passionate.  When it gets hard I up and leave.

I do love water, but I'd much rather have coffee.  It just tastes better.  I'm all for some soda, but my body doesn't handle it.

I run.

It's easier.  Why put up a fight when you can just walk away?

Who needs tears?

Food works.

But then again I have a butt.  I have hips.  I get a tummy.  When I use food.

When I workout, it shows.  I get lean.  I get muscles and my butt, hips, and tummy go small.

I'm 29.

The first 28 years weren't great.

Of course having a kid at 23 was a great joy and surprise, but in the past few weeks it has really hit home.  I wasn't ready.  It would be so easy to run.  She started Kindergarten a week ago today.  I didn't get to take her that first day because I'm a teacher.  I had to wait for the picture.  It would be easy to leave her in my parents care so I could find another life.  I stuck it out.  I didn't run.  I've wanted to but I haven't.

I let my health go.  I almost had cancer.  My doctor rocked it out and I got my first clean results in a year.  I had good results for 2 years then I had two come back questionable.  It felt good to finally see good.  I'm hoping the next ones are just as good!  Couldn't run because my doctor came after me.  Sometimes others keep you on path.

I weighed 230 pounds a year ago.  I did.  I didn't care.  I ate whatever I wanted, but I didn't look good.  I looked fat.  I had a stomach and 52 inch hips.  My thighs were 40 inches.  The same as my waist!  Yea I ran from looking good.  Correction, I thought I looked good.  I didn't.

I've had several crappy/shitty relationships.  All depressing.  All control freaks.  None the right fit.  Running fit perfectly here.

Running cannot always be my answer to the hard things in life.

I currently weigh 180 pounds.  I have weighed 172 about a month ago.  It didn't keep.  It is okay.  I will get there.  Last night I wanted to just give in.  Instead of running, I biked.  Call it reality, but I couldn't run.  I could bike.  I could cry and boy did I ever.  It was probably my slowest 6 miles I've biked in a LONG time, but I let it all out.  In the end I had no clue why I cried.  For frustrations.  For fears.  For pain. For getting my trainer on my ass.  It hurt to get his text message, but I've either got to get in or get out.  He cares enough to tell me I deserve to be in the 140s.  If I'm working so hard why am I eating so shitty?

Running 5 K's is what I do.  Running from life is no longer an option.  I will be a success and if I eat clean and work out, how long is this really going to take?

I plan on writing down my feelings in this journal.  I'm a writer by nature.  It may not always make sense but it will be here.  I will also write down food I eat at times and how I'm handling stresses.

Here's to getting my running legs back and for using them for the right reasons!

Happy Runnings,
Shortie