Opportunity

Life doesn't offer a ton of options, but when opportunity knocks, its best to say…TAKE IT!

I'm fighting that revolving door of losing and gaining weight.  I lose and then I gain and then I go back on the path to lose.  Right now I'm back on that path to lose weight.  I am not allowed to feel comfort in my weight.  Once I feel comfort, I gain it back.

Why comfort?

I am constantly feeling okay with myself and that comfort zone totally allows me to be liberal with my eating and that sets in motion a constant string of poor eating choices.  Adding food that I never liked before and now can't have enough of.  Doughnuts are my biggest down fall.  Not regular sized doughnuts.  Oh no, it is munchkins.  Those sweet little holes covered in glaze and then dipped in sprinkles.  It really is the sprinkles that gets me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME!  No Joke!  I can walk in get a coffee and can't leave without two.  The best days are when I have four and I have the downed in about five minutes.  UGH!  That is so gross and yet I do that to myself.  Not constantly, but a lot.  I don't need it but oh I want it.  While I'm on the food kick, Reese Peanut Butter Cups.  Yea those have always been a weakness, but I've had two in a week.  I'm not starting that train again.  ICK!  My favorite cheat food has to be goldfish.  Who doesn't love those cheese crackers?  Seriously?!?!?!  Oh my!  I really do have some crazy food I'm eating and that's just the half of why my weight is up and up.

Let's recap.

In August 2012 I weighed in at 228 pounds.  I probably weighed more, but why would I want to go there?

In July 2013 I weighed in at 172 pounds.

By Labor Day 2013 I was back up to 180 pounds.  8 pounds gained.  So I started playing the weight game. Up. Down. Around…In November I had some major stress.  Stopped eating and sleeping.  I was eating only once and still working out.  Yea I was back to 172, but clearly not in a healthy way.  Slowly through the holidays I started gaining.  Didn't think much about it because I mean, I was eating again….well I weighed in at 195 on February 16th.  UHHH!  That hit me like freight train.  What had I done?

I spent about 10 days in a depression just thinking about how far I'd let myself go.  I had forgotten how to live.  I'd forgotten how to eat to perform.  I'd given up what made me happy.  Those 10 days I found myself curled up on my bed.  I had friends trying to get in and even a boyfriend who had no clue what to do for me because it's a long distance relationship.  I was ready to give up.  But something snapped in me.  I knew I couldn't give up.  I knew I had to go on.  I needed to go on.  My daughter needed that. If I wanted my relationship to continue I needed to kick my own ass.  I needed to just get up and move on.

So I faced the facts.

1. My boyfriend doesn't live near me.  He will soon enough, but life cannot stop waiting for him to be here.  So let go.
2. My friends are awesome.  They are there for me.  They care.  I let them.  Having a boyfriend thousands of miles away sucks and is really hard.  So is gaining weight.  I wasn't coping with anything.
3. My daughter needed an example.  She didn't deserve the blob that I was laying in bed unable to cry.
4. I have an amazing family who doesn't understand everything, but cares.  They are there and they are helping me the best ways they know.
5. I workout with some awesome people.  They are rock stars.  They look up to me.  I look up to them.

The final fact….I CRIED OVER SPILLED COFFEE!

Yes.  I did.  It wasn't a lot either, but on that day it was the dam that broke and I allowed myself to feel. I needed to cry.  I needed that ugly minute to just reset.  I wasn't crying over coffee either.  I was crying because I missed the person I had been.  I missed everything I had used to create my bright future.  I didn't deserve to be a depressed mess.  I'd been that.  God, it was awful!  I felt helpless and the truth was, I wasn't helpless.  I had tools that I knew worked.

So today, I'm regrouping, like I've been doing since Thursday, when I cried over spilled coffee.  I've cooked.  I've ran in the snow.  I'm moving on.  Day by day.  I'm making my happiness.

I run.

What's your happiness??